Some Starts!

After much thoughts, pondering, obsessing and introspection, I came up with some things I need/want to change.  Some are superficial, some are going to take a while.  Here goes.....  it's a little scary putting this out into the universe....to admit, to myself, but mostly to others, that I need to change some stuff about me.  That kind of takes away the "All is well, it's all fine" persona.  But hey,  I didn't think this was going to be easy.

I need to change my look.  My style.  I need to go from boring, perhaps even a little frumpy, to modern.  I'm looking for a classic style, not hip, not trendy, just up to date and polished.  (Trust me, this isn't a list in order of importance!)  I need to use make up on a daily basis, not just for special occasions.  Not a lot, not goth eye circles, or Texas big-hair, just catch up to my peers in something I'm comfortable with.  Sweats are for the gym, and perhaps an errand to and fro, but not for everyday life out of work.  Clothes should fit, not just hang like a tent!  (I tend to keep wearing clothes I've undergrown!)....

     I need to expand my circle of friends, including guys!  I have a few good friends, and a large circle of acquaintances I know professionally.  BUT I tend to 'hang' with the same few, doing the same things, going the same places.  I need to break out...try new things, talk about new topics, go someplace outside my comfort zone.  I don't know how to make new friends.... it's such a common place thing when you're young.  Go to class, sit by someone, next thing you know you're at a party, or going for coffee, etc.  At 48, how do you casually ask someone new to do something...  Am I over thinking this?  I've worked in the same place for almost 2 decades...  Wouldn't it be weird if I asked my 'work' friends to go to the movies?  hmmm... and then the BIG thing... 
     I've NEVER asked a guy out.  It just wasn't done commonly when I was younger.  Then, after that, I always felt my weight got in the way.  I would certainly go out when asked, I just felt uncomfortable being the asker.  I've never gone on a blind date, because I felt that it would have been a BIG surprise for the guy.  My friends loved me, they usually never felt my weight was an issue, but I wouldn't let them fix me up.  I always thought the guy deserved to meet me first, in a group, and then could decide.  Wow....  maybe I over thought this too.  I went to the mall this week, there was a big make-up special.  Lord and Taylor's had 6 different make-up lines doing makeup makeovers and then a professional photographer took digital pictures of you.  I thought, if it turns out well, I might post it on a dating site, and try to meet a guy that way.  I'm just too out of practice to be flirty on line at the supermarket, or start a conversation in a bookstore, or anything else people recommend.  At least, online, I know the guy is also looking to meet someone.

OK, in summary, to ride the crest of the upcoming winds of change...I will
1.  Update/create a visual style.
2.  Make new friends.
3.  Meet a guy.

More to come.... 

What Not To Change?

I'm putting a lot of thought into this... this list shouldn't be a 'to-do' list, or a bucket list....although I have plenty to do, and things I'd like to see/do before I die.... I'm not even sure what I feel, this skin crawly, nerve tingling, need for change is something I can't control. It may just be something I have to experience. HOWEVER, I am not that willing to just let it happen. I need to be an active participant in whatever is coming. I can't imagine me as a silent observer in my own life. I may be the only person to ever read this (grinning) but damn it, it's going to be an orderly thought progression!
      I can name some things I would NOT like to change. I like my attitude. It's positive, at times joyful, at times sorrowful, usually peaceful, loving, and somewhat snarky. What's that you say, snarky? It's a bemused cynicism. I will acknowledge what you say as fact may be fact, but will also acknowledge that not everyone is forthright. There may be another layer to what I see and hear, and I like to reserve judgement for a while. This has been a learned behavior over the past decade or so, and has been good for me. I seldom blow up, or am quick to anger, and prefer to think/ponder a situation for a time. I may have an instant opinion, but it is not set in stone, and will develop over time.
      I would also not like to change my profession. My job, maybe, but not my profession. I wouldn't change my relationships within my family. I'm willing to add some extra people, but I don't think I could deal with any losses at the moment!  We've hit our quota for a while.
      I'm still working on the feelings of turbulance. Something's twirling in the wind....what the heck is going on?

Hmmm, what's to come????

I'm thinking that there needs to be some changes in my life....  but I'm still not sure what.  I've done the basic stuff,  new hair cut, make-up update, even a dramatic weight loss.  I've updated my wardrobe, (OK, I still have to finish cleaning out the closets)...and still, I have this feeling creeping under my skin that Something Must Be Changed.  I'm not sure what, but I'm not ready to settle in to a predictable routine just yet.  Being 50 is looming just around the corner, and while I don't dread it, I'm thinking if I want to be different, to feel different, to act different, NOW is the time.  I should be on the road to whatever? by then.

   I read a book this summer,  light, fluffy beach reading, and the women in it each made a list of 20 wishes.

The story goes on to how they define their wishes, and what happens to them.  I thought about doing this, but....  I couldn't even come up with 20 wishes.  I made a few half hearted attempts at a list, and never got very far.  And then, I thought....what if I blog it?  What if, I made a serious attempt to figure out what needs to be changed, and I keep a record of it?  Sure, I'm filled with good ideas, and half assed follow thru, but what if.....  what if being accountable in print makes me stay on track? 

I'll keep a running list of my 20 wishes, or in this case, my Things That Must Be Changed, and what I'm doing to make it happen.  My goal is to post weekly, at least!  What will the next year or so bring?  Wish me luck!  I'm gonna need it!