Bad Blogger Award

I hereby nominate myself for the bad blogger award.... I haven't posted in months. It got away from me, and time has been filled with just the best stuff. Life is good (so far) was started because the winds of change were blowing, and I wasn't sure where I was heading, but I knew a change was coming, needed, desired, recommended and every other Thesaurus type word you could think of. I wasn't sure what was happening, but I felt it in my core... that something was going to go on. Odd, yep, I admit it.... the Irish have a word, someone is 'fey', meaning they have an inkling, a sight, a premonition. I felt fey. I've only shared that connection, I don't know, ?feyness, with one other person... we could ALWAYS tell when something was happening with each other, when something went on the phone was bound to ring in a day or two.... and there she would be, or I would be, saying, "I couldn't get you out of my head". Even at thousands of miles, we'd do this. My friend died last year, in September, and I miss our connection. I had no one to share this feeling with, to help me sort it out, and make sense of it.... so I blogged. Now, it's in place, I have perspective, and I still want to blog about it... Elaine! Geez, I miss you!
The changes I needed to make were simple. I had become stagnant. I wasn't progressing, trying new things. The things I loved, even hobbies, had fallen by the wayside. I made little changes, like buying the new camera, getting excited about clothes shopping again, just little stuff. Then the BIG changes came. I applied to graduate school for a doctorate in July, and heard that I was accepted on Veterans Day. I started orientation this week. I'll be working full time days, and these classes meet one Friday, Sat and Sunday a month, plus lots of online work. I'm learning new computer skills to keep up with classes, like using EndNotes, and remote Boolian searches, etc. It's exciting and terrifying!
I know I posted a bit about my online dating experiences, and how it took me forver to actually fill out the questions, and post, and get courageous enough to try. Well, after a few amusing but hardly romantic dates, I met a great guy. I don't know if he's my 'forever' guy, but he's sweet and kind and hard working. He says he understands about the time committments for school, and he's willing to work around it, so we seem well suited. The last few months seem to revolve around the weekends we can spend together, and I hope he's as happy with me as I am with him. He says he is, and he is SO much better at communicating the emotional stuff than I am. I think on an EQ scale of 1-10, he's an 8 and I'm a 4. Oh well, I'm working on it!
So, I know I deserve the bad blogger award for lack of posts, and I will improve. This is a great outlet for me, and I think I'll need it more and more as school progresses. Be patient, read me, leave a comment or PM me, and look for an update post this weekend, as it is my 'surgiversary'.
Hurrah for change!!!!!

Update on Changes

You know that feeling I described in my beginning blogs?  The one where I feel something's going on, there's something that's going to happen, but I just can't put my finger on it....  I decided to do a pre-emptive strike, and make some changes myself, in areas I COULD control, and see what would happen.  I've been dressing better, using makeup, making an attempt (although feeble) to cook more and eat more at home, etc....   changing things I can control.  I also mentioned trying to date.  I am completely out of touch with this skill (if you can call it that) and realize I need more help.  I've tried to start conversations in bookstores, on lines in the grocery, etc, but I feel so stilted and awkward.  I filled out a profile on a online matchmaking site, but never went as far as actually paying the fee.  I now get PLENTY of emails from the site, trying to convince me to join, and giving me glimpses of men that 'may' match, but you don't get any contact info or mail until you pay.  So, after several weeks of going back and forth with "Is this how I want to meet someone?" and the more powerful "Who have you met on your own lately????", I've decided this is the weekend!  I'm going to go to one of the biggies, like eharmony or match.com, fill out the profile, post a current picture, and see what happens.  This could get very interesting or really creepy!
   Has anyone started dating after a LONG hiatus?  What were the results?  Has anyone used an online site?  Which one?  Share a story!

Progress Report!

OK,  it's slow and steady, but progress has been made!  I wore makeup everyday for the past week and a half  (well, at least, I wore it to work...)   I dug out a tailored suit, and wore it to a meeting.  More than one person remarked how great I looked!  I went shopping to the outlet malls in my state, and tried on a zillion outfits, and bought 2 new suits.  They fit well  (That, in itself, it so damn amazing!), and I'm happy with them.  I got them in a store called  Kasper.  Apparently, that's the line name as well.  One's a muted olive green, almost a brown from a distance, with a skirt, as well as pants.  The second is a grey pinstripe with a creamy light peach silk blouse. They're classic styling, and will go from fall to winter easily.  Today I went to the mall and bought a pair of shoes I had my eye on for the past week.  I'm getting a kick out of these clothes binges.  It wasn't so far back I was limited to whatever Lane Bryant and the Avenue had, and it wasn't much!  Now, I can walk into almost any store and find something I like in MY size.  Wahoo!!! 
  OK, back to the progress.  After a meeting today, I asked a colleague if she wanted to go the mall after work and give me an opinion on some shoes.  We could grab a bite afterwards.  I had a good time shopping with her, and I was proud of my attempt to make a friend.  Granted, it was someone I've known forever at work, but we had never shopped together before, so I still get points! 
   I'm beginning to see my mall as one of my 'happy places'.  I don't always have to buy stuff.  I just like walking around, looking in the store windows, getting some exercise in a climate controlled, (warm and dry) environment, and people watching.  I have a cafe I like, and frequently will sit, have a nice cuppa tea, and watch the world go by.  It's peaceful.   Barnes and Noble is another one of my 'happy places'.  Even if I don't buy a book, I like browsing and the cafe. hmmmm, this could be a pattern.  Where's your happy place?

Some Starts!

After much thoughts, pondering, obsessing and introspection, I came up with some things I need/want to change.  Some are superficial, some are going to take a while.  Here goes.....  it's a little scary putting this out into the universe....to admit, to myself, but mostly to others, that I need to change some stuff about me.  That kind of takes away the "All is well, it's all fine" persona.  But hey,  I didn't think this was going to be easy.

I need to change my look.  My style.  I need to go from boring, perhaps even a little frumpy, to modern.  I'm looking for a classic style, not hip, not trendy, just up to date and polished.  (Trust me, this isn't a list in order of importance!)  I need to use make up on a daily basis, not just for special occasions.  Not a lot, not goth eye circles, or Texas big-hair, just catch up to my peers in something I'm comfortable with.  Sweats are for the gym, and perhaps an errand to and fro, but not for everyday life out of work.  Clothes should fit, not just hang like a tent!  (I tend to keep wearing clothes I've undergrown!)....

     I need to expand my circle of friends, including guys!  I have a few good friends, and a large circle of acquaintances I know professionally.  BUT I tend to 'hang' with the same few, doing the same things, going the same places.  I need to break out...try new things, talk about new topics, go someplace outside my comfort zone.  I don't know how to make new friends.... it's such a common place thing when you're young.  Go to class, sit by someone, next thing you know you're at a party, or going for coffee, etc.  At 48, how do you casually ask someone new to do something...  Am I over thinking this?  I've worked in the same place for almost 2 decades...  Wouldn't it be weird if I asked my 'work' friends to go to the movies?  hmmm... and then the BIG thing... 
     I've NEVER asked a guy out.  It just wasn't done commonly when I was younger.  Then, after that, I always felt my weight got in the way.  I would certainly go out when asked, I just felt uncomfortable being the asker.  I've never gone on a blind date, because I felt that it would have been a BIG surprise for the guy.  My friends loved me, they usually never felt my weight was an issue, but I wouldn't let them fix me up.  I always thought the guy deserved to meet me first, in a group, and then could decide.  Wow....  maybe I over thought this too.  I went to the mall this week, there was a big make-up special.  Lord and Taylor's had 6 different make-up lines doing makeup makeovers and then a professional photographer took digital pictures of you.  I thought, if it turns out well, I might post it on a dating site, and try to meet a guy that way.  I'm just too out of practice to be flirty on line at the supermarket, or start a conversation in a bookstore, or anything else people recommend.  At least, online, I know the guy is also looking to meet someone.

OK, in summary, to ride the crest of the upcoming winds of change...I will
1.  Update/create a visual style.
2.  Make new friends.
3.  Meet a guy.

More to come....